I recently completed a mediation with a couple whom I had originally met with for a consultation over a year ago. At that time they ended up choosing a different path and had each hired their own attorney to handle the divorce. After a year of litigation they both became frustrated with the slow pace and the contentiousness of it all and agreed to let their attorneys go and see if they could sort it out through mediation. By resetting, and taking a new approach to the issues, the couple was pretty quickly able to reach agreement and get things completed so they could start moving on. In this week’s blog we explore the notion of taking a step back, looking at our options, and sometimes charting a new path to better accomplish whatever task lies ahead.
Is our current approach working? Albert Einstein is credited with saying that “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I am as guilty as the next person of being so headstrong that I will persist in doing something a certain way until I accomplish it out of principle and stubbornness, wanting to prove my approach was right all along. Despite this flaw, I have also learned that sometimes I just need to stop for a minute to rethink it, and determine if there is a better way of doing things. Usually there is and it will make me wonder why I didn’t recognize it in the first place.
Resetting the narrative. In the situation of the above referenced couple who was able to step back from litigating to sit down together for mediation, it all came about from a chance conversation they had. Things had gotten pretty contentious and they were involved in ongoing court hearings when one of them shared with the other how frustrated and disappointed they were. The other voiced the same frustration and their perspective that the other spouse was dragging their feet and trying to make things difficult. They each had a sense that the other was the source of the problem and through their conversation came to the realization that they each just wanted to be treated fairly and to get things done. They were able to agree to put the litigation on hold and to now give mediation a try.
Just because you have started down one path, it does not mean you have to keep going in that direction. If it is not working out as you imagined it would, take a step back and reassess your options. What are you trying to accomplish? Is there a better way to do it? Are you so caught up in it all that you are not open to a better way to resolve it? I have shared before about my daily practice of getting up early and taking some time to assess where I am mentally. Usually in doing so I realize that I have something on my mind that is a carry over from my past and is impacting how I feel in the moment. If it is something positive I might run with it. More often it is something negative and I will work to sort it out so I do not carry it into the new day. We don’t have to remain in a narrative that is making us unhappy and is complicating and making our lives difficult.
The writing is on the wall. It is safe to say that the way you approach conflict will be a significant factor in how long the conflict will last, and what toll it will have on the participants. Fighting takes time, money, and energy. It will typically escalate the conflict, making its resolution an even larger task to accomplish. Why do we engage in a process that exacerbates conflict and allows it to fester and languish for months and years before it is resolved? Insanity is engaging in a process that we know is not the best way of doing things, and relying on it to be the way for couples to divorce. If you are engaged in that process, take a step back and think about resetting the narrative. Look for that better way of doing things.
Putting the genie back in the bottle. Sometimes we say things that can’t be unsaid. Sometimes we do things that can’t be undone. Many couples that have started down the path of litigation have so substantially harmed their relationship that it is hard to take a step back and consider moving to a collaboration. Many litigating spouses have a whole new level of anger and resentment toward one another a year after they have separated then that which they felt when they first did so. How do we put the genie back in the bottle so we can pick up the conversation of reasonably resolving things without further court involvement?
What settlement conferences tell us. In San Diego County, before a case is set for trial, couples are required to participate in a Mandatory Settlement Conference which is largely a pre-trial mediation. My experience with these conferences is that they usually result in the case settling. They can be very contentious, and the strains of the long emotional path getting there are visible and are part of the challenge. These conferences are a reset of sorts. Part of their success is the introduction of a neutral person into the mix to help both sides navigate expectations. It moves things from an all or nothing to considering something reasonable that both sides can accept. The negative emotions have not been put back into the bottle. They are still there but a new angle is being taken. Why do we wait until just before trial to take this step back for a reset? These conferences are proof that couples can choose to change their approach even if their ability to work together has been stunted by the fight.
In Divorce, as in life, we often know what we want, but we don’t necessarily know the best way to get it. If the route we are taking is not getting us there, we might want to reconsider our approach. Einstein reminds us that continuing to do something that is not working for us and expecting it to have a better outcome is insanity. Every day of our lives we have the ability to change course. Whatever it is you might be stuck in, take a moment to step back, breathe, and consider the possibility of a better way.