I have always counted privacy as one of the great benefits of Divorce mediation. With a litigated divorce each party prepares declarations that get filed with the Court, taking the skeletons out of the closet, airing the dirty laundry and pointing out each other’s flaws and mistakes for all the world to see. On the date of the hearing/trial all this gets proclaimed in open Court for all in attendance to hear. At first glance I imagine most of us would opt to avoid this exercise in its entirety if at all possible. This week I met with a couple that was putting some finishing touches on the terms of their mediated agreement. One of the spouses expressed that they had been delaying the final signing because they had some things that were waying heavily on them and they felt it important to express them to get it all off their chest. In this week’s blog we explore the need and value of getting things off our chest, and consider how we might accomplish the catharsis of airing our grievances in other ways then doing so in open Court and public Court files.
The Things we Carry. We all make mistakes. We all have chinks in our armor and have done things that we are not proud of or that poorly reflect on us. As a married couple the mistakes that we make often become challenges that we must navigate in order to preserve our relationship or that ultimately we can’t navigate and that are so insurmountable that they lead to the breakdown of our marriage. Some of these things may be so personal that we don’t want to share them with others as they might be embarrassing or sharing them will cause further drama or conflict with the other spouse. These can include violations of trust such as infidelity or untruthfulness in our financial dealings.
Often when a divorcing spouse sits down with their attorney they discover that letting the cat out of the bag may be advantageous to the case. Telling the Court all the terrible things the spouse did can feasibly result in a more favorable custody decision or a more favorable financial outcome. The Court doesn’t necessarily want to hear about infidelity as there is no requirement to prove bad behavior to get a divorce. This will not prevent a litigating spouse from pointing out any such bad behavior to try to favorably impact the outcome, or to at least embarrass or humiliate the other spouse.
Having your Day in Court. Whatever the outcome, some people just need the opportunity to air their grievances and while the Court may not give too much latitude to any attacks, telling the Judge may be what it takes to allow for the spouse to start moving past the hard feelings. The allegations are now part of the record. If anyone looks in the Court file, the allegations are there to be seen. The benefit is the allegations are now out in the open. The consequence of publicly airing them is doing so can further deteriorate the relationship between spouses. If there is a need to continue with an ongoing relationship, such as when you have children together, your relationship is going to be further strained and perhaps even completely destroyed due to the public attacks. Usually when allegations go one way, there are further allegations coming right back the other way. There is a steep price to pay in pursuing a public display of your marital problems and mistakes.
Mediation and Proceeding Behind Closed Doors. In mediation, couples don’t prepare declarations that attack one another to be filed with the Court. In mediation, couples do not stand in front of a Judge and ask them to consider the other spouse’s transgressions as they decide what to do with the case. In mediation some of these issues will come up but it is entirely possible that transgressions such as infidelity will not end up showing themselves during the course of the mediation. As a mediator, sometimes the emotions in the room are getting in the way of taking care of the business that needs to be handled so a decision will be made to take a little detour to get to the bottom of whatever challenge seems to be getting in the way. There are many times where the couple can work effectively through the business at hand without getting into whatever emotional hurt there might be out of sight. In these situations the couple is not getting their “day in Court” to air their grievances and if we are not careful, one or both spouses may come out the other side feeling like they have not fully been heard, and finding themselves carrying something heavy on their shoulders that could have been lifted simply by providing some sort of outlet for it to be expressed.
Options for Helping to Let Go. It is for each individual person to decide what they need to let go of whatever painful memories they carry. My hope would be that it would not require such a public airing as that which takes place in the Courthouse. I have had a number of couples that have the conversation during a mediation session. Each spouse has an opportunity to share how they feel so they are not carrying it all by themselves and can feel heard. A conversation can follow and the other spouse can have an opportunity to respond, and perhaps apologize without everything being made so public. Couples can write letters to one another expressing the wrongs and how it has made them feel. Couples can have these conversations with a therapist as the neutral person to help them with feeling heard and getting the issues out into the open.
When we divorce there are many less intrusive ways to work through the wrongs that we have caused one another than airing them in open Court. Just because a couple chooses to mediate does not mean that there should be no space given to express the grievances they have toward one another. Providing an avenue to let a wronged spouse voice the hurt that has been experienced may be just what is needed to allow for things to move forward with an out of court process such as mediation. Privately working through painful and embarrassing past behaviors can allow for resolution while avoiding making a public record of it for all the world to see.