Life is a work in progress and ongoing lesson for figuring out those things that truly matter. Some of those things have remained constant over the course of our lives. Some things that we might have previously thought mattered most, have turned out to be not as important as we once thought or have fallen out of importance altogether over time. Divorce is a good time to reassess that which is important so that we can preserve that which remains important. Doing so also allows us to move forward recognizing that despite the change that we are going through we still have many things to hold onto that really matter. In this week’s blog I explore some of the things that really matter to me to hopefully serve as a reminder of some of those constants in life that can provide us all with direction and meaning.
Friendships. Each year the weekend after Labor Day I head up to Ojai, where I grew up, and meet up with a group of childhood friends for a memorial golf tournament and a few days of hanging out and catching up. I am terrible at golf but the golf is just an excuse to get together with a group of people that make me truly happy. How lucky we were to find each other in childhood and discover a way to keep connected and build our relationships over the years. We have all gathered friends along the way. Whether they are childhood friends, work friends, friends gathered through pursuit of our hobbies, friends met through church, our children’s schools, our networking, our partners and wherever else we might gather them. Whatever might happen in our marriage, many of these relationships we have developed over the course of our lives remain, and will likely continue to matter as life moves on.
Family. When we think of divorce we typically think of losing family. We are losing one of those things we thought really mattered which is that relationship with the person that we married. That much is true but in my work with divorcing couples I see it as more of a shifting of the relationships while trying to preserve as much of the family dynamic as possible. If there are children, the focus is on making sure the children and their parents have every opportunity to maintain and grow their ongoing relationships. For spouses who will continue as co-parents the focus is on trying to preserve a strong relationship that allows for effective co-parenting and that minimizes conflict for the benefit of everyone involved. The family will be different, but it will remain every bit as important.
There is also our extended family, which is another thing that can really matter. I spent last weekend at a family reunion with about 40 of my relatives from my Father’s side of the family, gathered to connect and catch up. I marvel at how different we all are, but despite those differences, how much we love and care about one another. Whatever happens in our marriages, the importance of family remains, despite whatever parts of it may necessarily change.
Health. Taking good care of ourselves is another pursuit that should be constant throughout our lives. This is especially the case when we are going through difficult times. An important part of my life is taking care of myself by trying to eat right, getting out and exercising, and taking the time to quiet my thoughts and check in with myself. We have the ability to step back and remember to devote some of our time as we move through and beyond divorce to get back to taking care of ourselves and appreciating the time we commit to this pursuit.
Hobbies and interests. What do you enjoy doing? Everyone has activities that bring them satisfaction and happiness. I enjoy writing early in the morning in a quiet house. I like going for a surf at sunset and sitting just outside the break and enjoying the silhouette of the shoreline. I like the smell of pine needles beneath my feet as I hike along a winding, secluded mountain trail. Another thing that matters is finding the time to do those activities that bring us fulfillment and joy. When life gets busy and stressful, we frequently don’t find the time to do these lighter things that we need the most. Our hobbies and interests are there to be tapped into no matter what might be happening in our personal lives.
Aspirations. I have written previous blogs on the importance of taking the time to set goals and give ourselves something to shoot for and live for. Goals are all about identifying those things that matter to us that we may not yet have accomplished just yet, and setting our sights on achieving them. At divorce some of those things we have been striving for may change so it is a good time to reassess and review where we want our lives to lead. A common companion of discouragement and unhappiness is not having something that we are striving for. Aspirations are one of those things in my life that matter because they infuse my daily living with purpose.
Spiritual practice. Everyone has their own perspective on what makes life significant. It can be going to church and nurturing your faith. It can be going out into nature and experiencing a feeling of being connected to something greater. Finding peace and meaning in our existence is another of those things that may matter to us and which we can turn to as we move through this time of change.
Integrity and higher self. One of the greatest lessons taught to me by my Father was the importance of being true to our word. He lived his life impeccably doing what he said he was going to do. There are few that I have met that lived their life with such steadfast integrity. I can only strive to be like my Father. I am engaged in a constant dialogue between my higher self and my actual self as I try to do better and be better. In whatever challenges we face, our word and our integrity remain one of those things that truly matter. Holding onto our integrity even when we are angry, resentful and don’t want to treat others kindly is an important striving. Also, forgiving ourselves when we fall short and not spending too much time beating ourselves up should be part of it all. While we are at it, forgiving each other is another part of this higher self striving which continues to matter through and beyond divorce.
Appreciation of what we have. When we suffer great loss it is super easy to lose sight of what we still have. We are so focused on navigating the pending challenge that we hardly have time to slow down and appreciate what we have. All the negative emotions consume us and leave little space for positivity. We still possess all of those other things that matter in our lives. We still have friends to turn to. We still have family, despite whatever changes have taken place to it. We still have the opportunity to take care of ourselves. We have the ability to continue our strivings. We have our spiritual practices, our hobbies and our ability to continue living true to ourselves. There will be sunsets and dew on the grass, the fragrance of flowers, the bluest of skies and star filled nights. There will be hummingbirds and butterflies and small miracles. We always have the ability to look past our troubles to all the goodness that remains.
I return to my initial thought about life being an ongoing lesson of striving to keep our sights on those things that really matter. They are different for each of us. They sometimes change over time. The important thing is to not lose sight of them. They are our foundation and our compass. They are what help us get back up when we fall down. They are those which give us hope and meaning when it feels like all has been lost.