I spent last night in the Portland airport. I was just finishing up a nice little vacation and it was a late flight to maximize the last day of the trip. After a couple of nominal delay notifications from the airline, we boarded the plane 45 minutes or so late and it felt like we were going to finally make it out. After a much longer stay on the plane, they had us get back off and a short while later announced the flight was canceled. It was late and by the time the flight was canceled there were no other flights leaving until the morning. Throughout the process people became upset with the level of communication and about the predicament we all found ourselves in. In this week’s blog I focus on the things that we can control, the things we can’t control, and finding ways to turn things we can’t control into things that we can.
Things beyond our control. We have all had to deal with developments that are simply beyond our control. The alarm doesn’t go off and we are late for work, the car won’t start or breaks down, we get sick, someone else gets sick, our flight gets canceled. Whatever it may be, it catches us off guard, and if we are not careful can send us into a tailspin. Last night at the airport, there was really nothing that I could do to change the cancellation of the flight. When I booked it, it was reasonable to expect that the flight would take off as scheduled and I would return home as planned. It is reasonable to expect that our alarm will go off, our car will start, or that we will not suddenly get sick. Unexpected things happen and, while perhaps there are things we can do to minimize the unexpected (I could have selected an earlier flight with a more reliable carrier), at the end of the day we must accept that we can’t control everything. There will be things we just won’t be able to control.
And Things we can control. Throughout the whole ordeal at the airport the big thing we could not control was front and center. There was our airplane and for whatever reason it was grounded. On the other hand, there was a lot that we each did have control over, the biggest being our reaction to all of it. Many of my fellow passengers took it all in stride. What are our options? When is the next available flight? Where do we go from here? A select number of the passengers, however, were extremely upset and were letting the ticket agents, flight attendants, and even the pilot hear about it. Their reaction seemed to make a bad situation worse, and did nothing to change our circumstances for the better. Their behavior certainly did not change the fact that we were stuck for the night. It was doing nothing to resolve the question about what happens next and was slowing down the work of the employees who were trying to help everyone figure out how to clean up the mess.
Reestablishing control. I was certainly not happy with the situation. The last thing I wanted to do was to be stuck at the airport instead of home in my waiting cozy bed. Whenever I go on a trip my schedule for my first day back is always filled up to the brim, so I was going to need to navigate sorting out whatever changes any delay would cause. By the time the flight was canceled it was after midnight and I was able to find a flight on a different airline leaving at 5:30 in the morning. I would have preferred to have caught another flight that night, but that wasn’t an option. Catching the first flight in the morning would minimize the disruption to my schedule, but would not afford me much opportunity to sleep. I did the best I could in the airport waiting room. I weighed my options and chose the one that seemed to make the most sense, all things considered.
My Wife and daughter had more options. They did not have to be home for work so made arrangements to stay another day. Every other passenger made whatever arrangements they needed to start taking back control of their own lives.
Divorce and recognizing what we can and can’t control. The biggest task in keeping life moving forward is recognizing what we can and what we can’t control. We are incapable of forcing things to change that we have no control over. The more we try, the more frustrated we can become and the more stuck we can feel. Yelling and arguing about the canceled flight only exacerbates the situation. Moving to what we can control, such as booking a hotel room, booking the next available flight, getting a refund, whatever options there might be is a perfect example of recognizing how to gain control of a negative situation.
We cannot force our spouse to change. We cannot make our spouse remain in the marriage. Once the divorce is happening sometimes we have to acknowledge the things that we are unable to control, so that we can start focusing on the things we can. We can let our own feelings be known and propose options to explore resolving issues if there is openness to it, we can make changes in ourselves, we can propose taking a civil approach to the divorce, we can choose to work through our anger and resentment, we can seek the help we need to best navigate the situation.
There are always going to be challenging things that are thrown our way that must be navigated. It is natural to feel sorry for ourselves and think how unfair the whole thing is. None of this will change the outcome and often leaves us stuck in the situation as a victim. Consider instead looking at the impossible situation you are in for those little things that you are able to do. It is in identifying the steps we can take and are in our control that shows us the path to regaining control of our lives