Thanksgiving is one of my favorite celebration days. In saying so it has nothing to do with the historical significance of the holiday as I understand that indigenous people see it as a reminder of a grave injustice. I acknowledge that. For me, Thanksgiving is a day to give thanks for the blessings and gifts of the past year, to get together with close friends and family, and to share a bountiful meal together as we head toward the holidays and the end of the year. My love for it is steeped in the traditions that my family practiced when I was growing up, and the continuation of some of those traditions, and new ones, as I have moved forward with my own family. A regular topic in divorces where there are children is sorting out how the children will be shared over the holidays. We, as divorcing parents, no longer have the luxury of having our children uninterrupted over the holidays. We must piece together a sharing schedule that seeks to minimize the disruption to our traditions while navigating things now happening in two homes. In this week’s blog I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving, whatever the holiday may mean to them, share a little bit about why it is meaningful to me, and take a little bit of time to discuss the importance of preserving our traditions for our children through divorce.
Happy Thanksgiving! The celebration of Thanksgiving is unique because while it is a Thursday holiday, for many of us it has worked itself into being a four day holiday to include the Friday after Thanksgiving and the Saturday and Sunday to follow. When I was a kid we got Thursday and Friday off. Now, it seems that most children today actually get the entire week off. I think part of what makes it such a celebration is that we get to have a fabulous feast and then we often don’t have to worry about getting back to work until the following Monday. The ability to relax is a big part of what makes it so nice.
Thankfulness. Another thing I like about the day is its focus on being thankful. We all get so caught up in our busy, and challenging and complicated lives that we forget to slow down and appreciate what we have. Sometimes we are left to endure difficult things and on this day we are reminded to take a step back, slow down, and consider all that we should be thankful for. It is nice to combine the license to slow way down with taking the time to appreciate the good things we have in our lives, all mingled with the delicious scents and anticipation of the Thanksgiving dinner.
Tasty and Traditional Foods. If your Thanksgiving table is anything like mine, it includes a variety of dishes that only rarely make appearances on my table the remainder of the year, and certainly usually not all at once. Our traditional fare includes a fabulous green bean casserole, a strawberry ribbon salad, a scalloped potato casserole, stuffing with capers, yams, rolls, turkey and gravy. Waiting in the wings are pumpkin and apple pies and other fantastic desserts. So many good things all in one place. Part of the joy comes from the diversity of the flavors, and the simple tradition of it all. When we have a relative who brings their famous dish, we know all day long that our taste buds will soon once again be experiencing this once a year delicacy.
Keeping up and Starting New Traditions. Last Thanksgiving I shared a snapshot of what Thanksgiving looked like to me growing up. You can find that description here: https://ahealthydivorce.com/?s=Thanksgiving
Each year my family would meet up with 40 or so relatives and we would all pile into a little cabin my great grandfather had built. I can’t think of a more perfect Thanksgiving setting. We no longer have that cabin in the family so upon growing up my traditions have evolved. The meal is largely the same. There is a crew that I meet up with Thanksgiving morning before it is time to begin all the meal preparations, that gets in a game of football. Doing a little running around and escaping without any significant injuries is a great way to kick off the celebration. The meal preparation itself is a nearly all day event. Making pies, getting the turkey in the oven, getting all the side dishes ready to join the parade through the limited oven space. Once most of the food preparation is out of the way we will dive into a board game, and perhaps some light hors d’oeuvres and cocktails . During dinner we will make our way around the dinner table sharing what we are each thankful for. We might get a little walk in between dinner and dessert then will just spend time together chatting while being full and satisfied.
And Divorce? A challenging thing I see many couples struggle with in our divorce work together, is the realization that their holiday time with the children will be divided. Some are able to maintain a strong and comfortable parenting relationship where they are able to jointly spend holiday time with the children. This is more the exception than the rule and more often we must work through whether holidays will be equally split, alternated, or shared in some other fashion. Having limited time can cut into our ability to carry on some of the traditions we developed before separation. It is nice to do whatever we can to preserve the traditions we are able to, but it is also an opportunity to make some adjustments to the traditions, or to come up with new traditions in moving forward. Sometimes the other spouse might have a tradition that is different from our own and which allows us to both continue to share our own tradition with our children. One example is some families like to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve and others on Christmas Day. This might allow you both to have the children during the times you most want to have them.
One example of a new tradition is when Thanksgiving is being alternated, one parent can have the children on Thanksgiving and one can have them the day after Thanksgiving. If the Friday parent doesn’t have to work they can have their own Thanksgiving celebration, but just a day later. This year we will be celebrating Thanksgiving at home on Thursday and on Friday we will be back at it with a Friends-Giving with others at somebody else’s house. Maintaining traditions helps to lend our children a sense of comfort and stability during these times of change, but they might find similar comfort in developing new and exciting traditions that they were able to have a hand in creating.
With Thanksgiving just around the corner, I can’t wait for the respite it gives me to slow down, take a little time off work, and enjoy the people I love. I am thankful for all that I have been blessed with. I am thankful for the comfort of the traditions I was brought up with and those which I have been able to develop along the way. I wish you all a Thanksgiving filled with love, peace, leisure and happiness.