I will readily admit that Divorce is not a happy topic. Most of the couples I am working with are going through a life event that is understandably making them very unhappy. There are studies that show that unhappiness is not good for your health and can lead to poor health and a shorter life span. There are also studies that show that unhappiness is contagious and being around unhappy people can lead to your own unhappiness. The opposite is likewise true and being around happy people can result in one’s own greater happiness. In this week’s blog I dive a little further into my own happiness and unhappiness and explore what we can do to make our lives, and the lives of those around us a little happier.
The idea for this blog came up when earlier this week I received an email from an old client that I had helped with a very contentious mediation years back. They were unhappy and I had somehow become part of their unhappiness. The immediate result of receiving the email was that it made me very unhappy, and even angry. I immediately wanted to drop what I was doing and defend myself and push back in an emailed response. I started typing up vindicating response and quickly discovered that I was getting sucked into the conflict. To avoid an escalation I really had to take the time to choose my words thoughtfully. I did not deserve their poor treatment but arguing back was just going to create more conflict. In the end I very concisely stood up for myself, expressed empathy for their ongoing problems, and wished them well. Their email to me resulted in about two hours of unscheduled unhappiness, but once I found an amiable yet firm way to respond, I was able to move past the unhappiness.
I consider myself a pretty happy person. I am of the view that happiness and unhappiness are choices that we make. I chose to become unhappy upon receipt of the mentioned email. I also decided that I didn’t want to stay in that place so I quickly found a route through it so I could return to my place of happiness. There are things that happen that will make us unhappy. How long we stay in that unhappy place is a decision we can make. Aristotle said “Happiness depends on ourselves. Nobody else can create it for us.” I agree with the notion that we can choose to be happy. According to the studies I mentioned above, being around happiness results in a greater opportunity to be happy and being around unhappiness results in a greater opportunity to be unhappy. We improve our chance of being happy and being around other happy people when we chart a quick path through whatever unhappiness comes our way, and we limit our time spent around others who choose to remain unhappy.
It has also been said that “The happiest people don’t have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have.” This again reiterates the choice we can make to be happy. It doesn’t mean being a fraud and putting on a fake smile. It is much more recognizing when we are unhappy and charting a course to getting to that place where we can again be happy.
I work as a mediator partly because I want to help couples find a path through their divorce so they can return to happiness as soon as they are able. I do not expect my clients to be happy as we tackle the issues of their divorce. I do hope that we are able to work together to reduce the contentiousness, anger and resentment so that there is a quicker path to restoring their lives to a place of happiness. When couples are working to resolve things collaboratively it is easy for me to find happiness in this difficult work.
Happiness is good for our health. Why wouldn’t we choose it over unhappiness? If your divorce is making you unhappy you don’t need to remain that way. Chart a course that removes whatever those things are that are making you unhappy. Choose to be that person that makes the best of everything you have. Unhappiness is expected as we experience challenges in our lives, but we should be finding our way past it as soon as it has arrived. Unhappiness has its place in divorce, but choosing happiness as soon as we are able is the path to a longer and healthier life.