It has been said that “While it takes at least two to reconcile, it only takes one to forgive.” Bill Johnson. As with all the other emotions we experience as we live our lives, we each have the ability at any time to forgive others and to forgive ourselves. Until we are able to forgive and to let go of past wrongs, we often remain stuck in whatever conflict there might be and unable to move forward with life. As we grapple with divorce there is usually a fair share of forgiving that needs to take place as we move through it. In this week’s blog we grapple with the role of forgiveness in life and divorce, the role of apologies or lack thereof, the forgiveness of others, and the forgiveness of ourselves. The sooner we are able to forgive, the sooner we can shift our focus from the past to what lies ahead.
Forgiving things large and small. I have written blogs in the past about fault in divorce. California is a no-fault divorce state yet there are things large and small that have led to each divorce that takes place. Violations of trust. Failure to maintain healthy communication. Lack of commitment. Mistreatment. Usually, each spouse has played some role in the marriage breaking down. Not always. It is the same in life. We all make mistakes. We have all been mistreated by others, slighted, wronged. We have all mistreated, slighted and wronged others. How impossible life would be if we had to live with our mistakes and resent others for their mistakes for the rest of our lives. Thankfully, over time, our negative emotions subside and we are usually able to move through the resentment and leave the past experience behind us.
Forgiving others. It is quite common for couples in the early stages of their divorce to be bogged down with very negative feelings about one another. Sometimes it makes it impossible to focus on the business to be done in the divorce. Asking for us to forgive the other person when the hurt is so new is not a reasonable expectation. On the other hand, there are practical things that need to be addressed as soon as possible and getting ourselves to a place where we are ready to address them involves getting our emotions under wraps. One effective way to do so is to find it in ourselves to forgive the other person so that we can begin to let go of the hurt and begin to move forward without carrying its weight. This is not about lip service and telling the other person we forgive them while continuing to hold onto our resentment. It is getting to a place where we genuinely forgive so that we can let go and move on.
Apologies and giving/receiving forgiveness. Heartfelt apologies can be a great mechanism for moving more quickly to a place of forgiveness. When we have played any role in the problem our ability to recognize how we have contributed to the situation and own up to it can be a large step toward resolution. The ability to apologize when we have done wrong can jump start the process of getting to a place where the other side can consider forgiveness. If both sides are to blame, one party taking the initiative to apologize can help the other do the same. Apologies make it a lot easier for us to be able to forgive one another. Things get a little more challenging when one or both are not willing to apologize.
Navigating failure to apologize. If you believe that you and the other person share in the fault and you have already delivered an apology, with no reciprocity, the forgiveness process can get derailed. It can become a lot harder to forgive someone who won’t acknowledge their actions or will not offer an apology for their behavior. So what next? Do we just stay in this place, seething about the other person’s failure to accept responsibility? This is where the quote I began with comes into play. We are allowed to move on whether or not the other person is willing to accept our apologies and whether or not they apologize to us.
When someone doesn’t accept responsibility, a better option than staying mired in the conflict is to forgive them and choose not to further pursue the relationship. This way, we do not remain stuck in resentment, and we also do not let them continue to negatively impact us with their lack of insight and care moving forward. Getting to a place where we can have dialogue and resolve any hard feelings is important if we want to, or have a need for, maintaining relationships moving forward. If someone is not willing to engage in the dialogue it does not mean we are stuck, it just means we need to find a path through it that does not include the other person in the resolution. We do not need the other person to apologize or forgive. Forgiveness can entirely take place inside of ourselves.
Forgiving ourselves. Some of us have the hardest time of all forgiving ourselves. Failure to do so can leave us with low self esteem, depressed, and further stuck in an emotional state that makes it hard to function. I often catch myself regretting things I might have not done as well as I could have. Self forgiveness is not a license to continuing doing wrong, but it is permission to stop beating ourselves up over our shortcomings so that we might move past them and do better in the future. Divorce is a good time to reflect on whether we are thinking negative thoughts about ourselves and then working to get past the negativity. We all make mistakes. As much as we are open to forgiving others, we should be every bit as open to forgiving ourselves.
A common theme in many divorces is one or both spouses feeling like they have been wronged by the other. It is at the root of many of the negative emotions that must be navigated in divorce, including anger, resentment, bitterness, loathing and spite. The longer these emotions persist in the divorce, the longer couples will typically find themselves stuck in the process. Recognizing our roles in the breakdown of the marriage and developing a willingness to forgive the role of the other spouse, allows us to start quieting these negative emotions we have toward one another so that we can begin to heal and can begin to move forward. Reciprocal forgiveness is great but if your spouse is unable to recognize or acknowledge their own contribution to it all, it does not mean you can’t resolve it on your own. Reconciling takes two but forgiveness only needs you.