There are not many things more frustrating than misunderstandings and the subsequent breakdown of communication, especially with a person that you have a need to continue to engage with . I am in the midst of one such breakdown and my failure to find a way to resolve any misunderstanding between us and reestablish clear communication weighs heavy on me. We can extend the olive branch, explain ourselves, reach out to continue the conversation, apologize if warranted, but in the end, communication takes two people and if the other person is not open to seeking to clear up any misunderstanding our options to move forward are limited. One of the greatest obstacles that divorcing couples face is strained or non-existent communication. It is often at the core of the breakdown of the relationship in the first place so it is not surprising that lack of communication and misunderstanding are a regular ingredient in contentious divorces. In this week’s blog I tackle the concept of misunderstanding, the consequences of it, and then explore some strategies for navigating the conflict that arises when we cannot maintain clear channels of communication.
Misunderstanding versus disagreement. There is an important distinction between disagreement and misunderstanding. The distinction I make between them is that with disagreement we understand what the other person is asking for and we are not in agreement with their position or request. With misunderstanding, there has been a breakdown in communication resulting in the two people not understanding what the other person is asking for so that we might disagree but that disagreement is arising because there is not clarity in what is being asked for, or we think that the other person is asking for one thing, but it is actually something else that they are asking for.
Telling the difference between the two. So how do we know when we think we have a disagreement but it is actually that we are not understanding one another? The answer comes back to maintaining clear communication. Let’s tackle the current situation I am involved in. I know for certain that my situation is a misunderstanding and not a disagreement. How do I know? In my case I have certainty that the other person and I want the same end result. I also know that from my side of the equation I do not care how the end result is accomplished, I just want to make sure that it is. The misunderstanding has something to do with the process of accomplishing the end result where the other person must think they disagree with the way I want to accomplish it. Again, because I don’t care how it is accomplished the only possible option is that we are misunderstanding one another. The reason we have not been able to sort it out is because our channel of communication has broken down and while I might seek to extend the olive branch or to provide clarification to clear up the misunderstanding, when the other side is not willing to engage then we remain stuck in the conflict.
Getting past misunderstandings. Our easiest conflicts to resolve should be those that are the result of misunderstanding. If we let misunderstanding impact our willingness to communicate with one another then we let a problem continue to divide us when there may not be any basis for it. Talking with one another to gain clarity on each of our positions is the most direct way to dispose of misunderstanding. What do you want? What do I want? Is there a way to accomplish both? If we don’t have clarity about what each other wants we can be led to believe there is disagreement but there might just be a lack of understanding. Being receptive to restoring broken channels of communication and getting help with deciphering to eliminate poor communication is key to identifying whether or not we truly are in disagreement with one another.
Tools for removing misunderstandings. The way to navigate disagreement and misunderstanding is to recognize the importance of clear communication. I work with lots of couples that openly admit they have a hard time communicating with each other. Just hearing each other makes them defensive, pushes each other’s buttons and they are often to a point where they don’t bother listening because they assume disagreement and don’t think it is worthwhile to engage. Recognizing that failing to communicate through the process of divorce is going to result in delays, further conflict, more costs, more misunderstanding, and usually less than ideal solutions should make us all commit to engaging for the good of getting to a solution.
Is there anything you can agree on? As I mentioned above with my recent dispute, I could identify that the other person and I wanted the same thing. In divorce, usually the couple can agree that they want to be treated fairly and they want things sorted out so they can move forward. Your communication may be terrible and there might be a lot to sort out to get to a place of agreement, but knowing that you are after something similar might just be the thing that motivates you both to continue working at gaining clarity to remove misunderstanding so all the focus can be placed on working through disagreements.
Get help. You are not expected to figure out on your own how to suddenly begin communicating effectively with your spouse when you have had a long history of poor communication. Get some help with it. When I mediate one of my tasks in working with couples is to oversee communication between them. It is part of my training to recognize when the spouses are not hearing one another, or are misunderstanding what is being asked for or what is being said. Part of facilitating effective mediation is making sure both spouses feel heard. I am seeking to dispatch the misunderstanding so that all we have left to tackle is the places of disagreement. Clear and effective communication is also essential in exploring options to navigate areas of actual disagreement.
It is frustrating to experience a breakdown in communication with another person that we need to continue to work with. It happens to all of us. I am ashamed to admit that I find myself in a dysfunctional situation where communication is essential yet presently non-existent. I am one who when conflict is present I dwell on it and it serves as a distraction for me. I seek out resolution so that I can let it go. We should be focused all the more on restoring effective communication whenever we are in the midst of conflict. Our raw emotions may make us want to shut down and ignore the other person and associated conflict, but it is only in communicating that we are able to alleviate misunderstanding and begin to find the solutions to the problems.