When the walls are closing in and the world is crashing down, one of the hardest things for us to do is to find anything positive in all of it. It is human nature to have our failings bring us down and put us in a negative place. I have certainly had difficulties in my life which have delivered me to a misery that I had to navigate my way out of. It feels phony to force a smile onto our face when we are down and overwhelmed. Part of the healing process is first letting ourselves feel what needs to be felt. This week’s blog focuses on what happens after we have done that and it is time to start moving forward. Ultimately what we allow ourselves to feel is a decision that we make. A few tools for us to use to help us in making positive decisions is consciously shifting our perspective, envisioning where we want to be, and reminding ourselves of what we can still be thankful for. Let’s jump in…
Shifting our Perspective. Almost inevitably, when things go awry it is easy to see the glass as being half empty. The ability to see it half full is there, but we choose the negative perspective. There is a quote by Marlo Thomas that “Sometimes when things fall apart, they are really falling into place.” How wonderful it would be if we could immediately respond to each challenge that comes our way with such a positive perspective. We do have some say in how we choose to perceive things and while it may not be realistic to maintain a positive perspective in the moment of crisis, there really is not anything standing in the way of shifting our perspective once the smoke has cleared. We can choose to remain unhappy, but we can also shift our perspective to embracing what positive might come from the change taking place.
Envisioning what comes next. It is easy to become mired in our troubles. We didn’t want this. We didn’t deserve this. This is not fair. It is normal to not want to accept what has taken place. All of these feelings naturally get in the way of ultimately getting to that place of acceptance which will finally allow us to begin thinking about what comes next. A great tool for getting past being stuck is envisioning where we want to go next. I have previously written about how as life changes we need to revisit our goals and aspirations: Here. We must venture to think about what we need to find new happiness. Envision it and chart your new course in its direction. Henry Ford said “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. The plan is to learn from our experiences, and part of that is gathering from those experiences insight on where we should be heading next. When our past is bringing us down, finding positivity in our envisioned future helps to pull us out of the rut.
Appreciation. No matter what life throws our way, if we think hard enough we can find plenty to be thankful for. When things are going poorly we are not usually looking for silver linings. We are too consumed by what is going wrong to put much thought into what is going right. Ultimately that is a decision and another strategy for moving forward is taking the time to think about what we still have that is good. With divorce, it can be the gift of our children, our supportive friends and family, or considering the other good things that came from the marriage. We can take the time to appreciate good health, and the areas of stability in our lives, such as our jobs, pastimes, or our hobbies. It can be other things as well; appreciation for the beautiful place we live, nature, sun rises and settings, starry skies, the simple joy of the silence of the early morning. It can be a good book, comforting music, a cozy nap, catching a surf or going to yoga. Taking the time to think about those things that bring us joy, and make our life a little easier is a great way to move past the feeling down and out. We do not lose all those things when we suffer any calamities. We just lose sight of them and have a tendency to focus on what is lost and not what is still there to support us as we move through the difficult times.
Whatever might be the cause of why we have arrived at whatever difficult, challenging place we find ourselves, we are only meant to visit her then move on. There is that old adage “This too shall pass.” Life will move on. Staying mired in a miserable place is a choice we can make. Starting to move past it only takes us getting to the place where we are ready to move on. Once we are there, we can take steps to shift our perspectives, begin to envision what our lives will look like on the other side, and remind ourselves of all the good things we still have in our lives that will be there to help us move forward in our healing.