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# A Healthy Divorce

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## Posts
- [Life Balance, Goal Setting and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/life-balance-goal-setting-and-divorce/): Here we are once again in that week of time between Christmas and New Year’s where we are closing out 2024 and preparing ourselves for what 2025 has in store for us.  I use this time to see how I did with accomplishing my 2024 goals and then move to setting my new goals for the upcoming year.  Certain goals that I did not achieve in 2024 might get shifted to my New Year's list.  I make it a point to renew important goals that maybe I feel short on but still find important to continue pursuing, but also add new things to pursue to keep things exciting and interesting.  Last year I wrote about 10 important considerations when making resolutions.  You can find that here:  https://ahealthydivorce.com/goals-resolutions-and-divorce/.  In this week’s blog I explore the value of goal and resolution setting to help us to accomplish a more well rounded and balanced life and the different categories we might consider as we tackle this exercise.
- [Airing Grievances, Mediation and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/airing-grievances-mediation-and-divorce/): I have always counted privacy as one of the great benefits of Divorce mediation.  With a litigated divorce each party prepares declarations that get filed with the Court, taking the skeletons out of the closet, airing the dirty laundry and pointing out each other’s flaws and mistakes for all the world to see.  On the date of the hearing/trial all this gets proclaimed in open Court for all in attendance to hear.  At first glance I imagine most of us would opt to avoid this exercise in its entirety if at all possible.  This week I met with a couple that was putting some finishing touches on the terms of their mediated agreement.  One of the spouses expressed that they had been delaying the final signing because they had some things that were waying heavily on them and they felt it important to express them to get it all off their chest.  In this week’s blog we explore the need and value of getting things off our chest, and consider how we might accomplish the catharsis of airing our grievances in other ways then doing so in open Court and public Court files.
- [Communication, Misunderstandings and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/communication-misunderstandings-and-divorce/): There are not many things more frustrating than misunderstandings and the subsequent breakdown of communication, especially with a person that you have a need to continue to engage with .  I am in the midst of one such breakdown and my failure to find a way to resolve any misunderstanding between us and reestablish clear communication weighs heavy on me.  We can extend the olive branch, explain ourselves, reach out to continue the conversation, apologize if warranted, but in the end, communication takes two people and if the other person is not open to seeking to clear up any misunderstanding our options to move forward are limited.  One of the greatest obstacles that divorcing couples face is strained or non-existent communication.  It is often at the core of the breakdown of the relationship in the first place so it is not surprising that lack of communication and misunderstanding are a regular ingredient in contentious divorces.  In this week’s blog I tackle the concept of misunderstanding, the consequences of it, and then explore some strategies for navigating the conflict that arises when we cannot maintain clear channels of communication.
- [Budgeting and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/budgeting-and-divorce/): There is a lot of financial upheaval that happens as couples navigate their divorce and move into the new reality that is to follow.  The financial situation gets much more complicated because now there are two homes to run and usually no additional resources to manage the added costs.  Often financial problems are part of the challenges that have led to the breakdown of the marriage.  In many families it is one spouse who has managed the family finances and with the divorce the other spouse is going to be required to manage their own finances, sometimes really for the first time in their lives.  In this week’s blog I explore some budgeting basics, some considerations for getting your financial situation under control, and some possible resources to consider to help you along the way.
- [Thanksgiving, Traditions and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/thanksgiving-traditions-and-divorce/): Thanksgiving is one of my favorite celebration days.  In saying so it has nothing to do with the historical significance of the holiday as I understand that indigenous people see it as a reminder  of a grave injustice.  I acknowledge that.  For me, Thanksgiving is a day to give thanks for the blessings and gifts of the past year, to get together with close friends and family, and to share a bountiful meal together as we head toward the holidays and the end of the year.  My love for it is steeped in the traditions that my family practiced when I was growing up, and the continuation of some of those traditions, and new ones, as I have moved forward with my own family.  A regular topic in divorces where there are children is sorting out how the children will be shared over the holidays.  We, as divorcing parents, no longer have the luxury of having our children uninterrupted over the holidays.  We must piece together a sharing schedule that seeks to minimize the disruption to our traditions while navigating things now happening in two homes.  In this week’s blog I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving, whatever the holiday may mean to them, share a little bit about why it is meaningful to me, and take a little bit of time to discuss the importance of preserving our traditions for our children through divorce.
- [The Norby’s, Kind Hearted Professionals and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/the-norbys-kind-hearted-professionals-and-divorce/): It has become one of my life’s strivings to try to save as many families as possible from a litigated divorce.  If you have followed my blog at all you will have gathered that it is my perspective that most couples shouldn’t need a Judge to step in and tell them how to handle the business of their divorce.  I have tried to do my small part in letting the world know that contentious fighting through a divorce should be the exception and not the rule by publishing my book Untangling Together: A Healthy Divorce Guide and Workbook.  In advocating for mediation I may sometimes sound like I am demonizing all things that take place through the Courthouse.  All divorcing couples are certainly not able to sit down outside of Court and reasonably work together to resolve things.  There are a lot of important things that must take place at Court.  There are a lot of fabulous professionals who handle divorces that need to be litigated.  Last night I attended the Norby Awards here in San Diego, which is a recognition and celebration of some of the special professionals who do this hard and important work of helping couples divorce through litigation.  In this week’s blog I take a quick peak at this year’s award winners, share a bit about my personal connection to it all, and end with imagining a future where there is a little more kindheartedness in the way divorce is done.
- [World Kindness Week and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/world-kindness-week-and-divorce/): Happy World Kindness Week to you all!  November 9th through the 16th is Worldwide Kindness Week with World Kindness Day falling on November 13th.  It is a global observance dedicated to promoting and celebrating acts of kindness. It is intended as a reminder of the positive impact that kindness can have on us all, our communities, and the world at large. It focuses on encouraging people to perform intentional acts of kindness and foster a culture of compassion and generosity. With our Country just coming out of another highly contentious election season, the timing couldn’t be better.  In this week’s blog we revisit the function of kindness when we are working our way through conflict, some easy ways to share and spread kindness, and with this being a divorce blog, I will try to find some way to tie it all into divorce.
- [Impasse, Mediation and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/impasse-mediation-and-divorce/): During a recent consultation, one of the spouses asked if I had any experience dealing with impasse, and if so, what were my strategies for getting cases past the deadlock to a place of settlement.  That is a pretty big and telling question, at least the second part of it.  My first thought was “well, of course I have faced couples that have disagreed with one another.”  I can rarely make it through a day where that is not the case.  The bigger question is that second part: “Why should we trust that you can help us navigate our differences and get to a place of agreement?”  That truly is the question at the root of whether a case can be resolved out of court or whether a Judge will need to be brought in to make the decisions.  In this week’s blog we explore this question of will mediation work, some strategies used to get past impasse, and an encouragement to keep asking us these insightful and challenging questions.
- [Untangling Together Workbook.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/untangling-together-workbook/): I am excited to announce that my new book “Untangling Together:  A Healthy Divorce Guide and Workbook, California Edition” has been published and is now available on Amazon.  I had been toying with the idea of writing this book over the past several years and have finally gotten around to getting it done.  So this week I take a break from writing about the familiar intersection of my life, my career and divorce, and take a little time to share about this book I have put together in the hope that maybe I will convince you to buy it and have it as a resource for yourself and for those you come into contact with to make the process of divorce a little more healthy and holistic.
- [Shooting too high, too low, Goldilocks and Divorce.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/shooting-too-high-too-low-and-divorce/): I had a consultation this week with a spouse who was beginning to gather information for possibly proceeding with a divorce.  I gave her information about mediation to share with the absent spouse in the event she could persuade him to consider the mediation option.  During our meeting she expressed interest in getting some legal advice to help her with making the decision whether to mediate or lawyer up.  I let her know that I could not advise her as I am not able to mediate once I provide advice to either spouse.  I did let her know that through the mediation process I would educate both her and her spouse on the intricate details of the law applicable to their situation.  She wondered aloud which avenue would accomplish the best result for her and expressed that it seemed like it would be best to have her own advocate, and thus hire her own attorney.  In this week’s blog I tackle the notion of trying to get the most for ourselves, the danger of selling ourselves short, and what I call the Goldilocks range of getting things accomplished somewhere in the space of “just right”.
- [Resetting the Narrative and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/resetting-the-narrative-and-divorce/): I recently completed a mediation with a couple whom I had originally met with for a consultation over a year ago.  At that time they ended up choosing a different path and had each hired their own attorney to handle the divorce.  After a year of litigation they both became frustrated with the slow pace and the contentiousness of it all and agreed to let their attorneys go and see if they could sort it out through mediation.  By resetting, and taking a new approach to the issues, the couple was pretty quickly able to reach agreement and get things completed so they could start moving on.  In this week’s blog we explore the notion of taking a step back, looking at our options, and sometimes charting a new path to better accomplish whatever task lies ahead.
- [Forgiveness, Life and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/forgiveness-life-and-divorce/): It has been said that “While it takes at least two to reconcile, it only takes one to forgive.”  Bill Johnson.  As with all the other emotions we experience as we live our lives, we each have the ability at any time to forgive others and to forgive ourselves.  Until we are able to forgive and to let go of past wrongs, we often remain stuck in whatever conflict there might be and unable to move forward with life.  As we grapple with divorce there is usually a fair share of forgiving that needs to take place as we move through it.  In this week’s blog we grapple with the role of forgiveness in life and divorce, the role of apologies or lack thereof, the forgiveness of others, and the forgiveness of ourselves.  The sooner we are able to forgive, the sooner we can shift our focus from the past to what lies ahead.
- [Getting to the Settlement Table and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/getting-to-the-settlement-table-and-divorce/): I recently read an article that indicated over 90% of divorces in California settle prior to going to trial.  Most Courts in California have a requirement that prior to proceeding with a trial that the parties participate in a Mandatory Settlement Conference to attempt to settle the matter prior to taking up the Court’s time and resources with a trial.  Over the years I have participated in a number of settlement conferences, both as the settlement officer, and an advocate for one of the spouse’s and most of these conferences resulted in a complete settlement of the case.  In this week’s blog we explore how we can efficiently get families to the settlement table in a position to finally get their matter resolved so they can move on with life.  A big difference between mediating a divorce and litigating a divorce is the time it takes to get to the settlement table and the condition of each spouse by the time they arrive at the table.  
- [Things That Matter and Divorce.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/things-that-matter-and-divorce/)
- [Marriage with Eyes Wide Open and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/marriage-with-eyes-wide-open-and-divorce/): This past week I met with two separate clients who were each planning to get married.  One of them was hiring me to assist them with a premarital agreement.  The other wanted information about what a premarital agreement was, but was really much more interested in understanding what marriage meant legally.  Back when I was preparing to get married I never even thought about what I was legally getting myself into.  In this week’s blog we tackle the legal contract which is marriage, explore some of the fine print, and then consider possible changes to the process of getting married that might include a contract confirming the legal commitment being made to insure couples know what they are getting themselves into.
- [Winning, Losing and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/winning-losing-and-divorce/): There is an African proverb that says “When elephants fight it is the grass that suffers.”  Much can be drawn from this wisdom.  There is a lot of collateral damage that arises from conflict and there is often harm done to the innocent bystanders looking on.  In the divorce setting those innocent victims are often the children.  I think it is safe to say that in contentious divorces it is the whole family and all who have any connection to it that suffer.  The elephants engaged in the fight are also certainly suffering every bit as much as the grass.  In this week’s blog we explore the notion of winning, losing and fighting in divorce, what it is we are fighting about, and what our responsibility might be to turn down the heat and stop throwing fuel on the fire.
- [Happiness, Unhappiness and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/happiness-unhappiness-and-divorce/): I will readily admit that Divorce is not a happy topic.  Most of the couples I am working with are going through a life event that is understandably making them very unhappy.   There are studies that show that unhappiness is not good for your health and can lead to poor health and a shorter life span.  There are also studies that show that unhappiness is contagious and being around unhappy people can lead to your own unhappiness.  The opposite is likewise true and being around happy people can result in one’s own greater happiness.  In this week’s blog I dive a little further into my own happiness and unhappiness and explore what we can do to make our lives, and the lives of those around us a little happier.
- [Taking the weight off our shoulders and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/taking-the-weight-off-our-shoulders-and-divorce/): Back in 2020 I shifted my divorce practice to full time mediation and two years ago I made the final Court appearance in my last remaining contested case.  As a mediator I do not represent either side so, while I am regularly filing paperwork with the Court to commence and resolve cases, the paperwork is filed on behalf of the couple and I am not an acting attorney on the case.  I very recently filed a case that had an administrative issue come up related to the filing that required me to prepare and file an ex-parte request to have the Judge resolve the issue.  I prepared paperwork that laid everything out for the Court but the couple was required to make the appearance since I was not their “attorney.”  To make sure everything went as expected I checked into the hearing held on Microsoft Teams to observe and to provide further explanation if needed.  In this week’s blog I share a little bit about what I saw, and some insights drawn from what my life has been like having eliminated Court appearances from my family law practice.
- [Upcoming Changes to Child Support and Child Support Add Ons](https://ahealthydivorce.com/upcoming-changes-to-child-support-and-child-support-add-ons/): It wasn’t too long ago when I wrote about how little guideline child support has changed over the past 30 years.  Change is now afoot.  The California legislature has adopted SB-343 which modifies the formula for calculating child support and makes some notable changes to the handling of child support add-ons which include guidance on how daycare and unreimbursed medical expenses for children are to be shared.  In this week’s blog we take a little peak at the changes taking place which are set to move forward effective September 1, 2024.  The intention behind these changes are to see to it that the needs of our children are being met and that both parents are called to contribute to those needs as much as they are able.
- [Gratitude and Simple Things That Matter](https://ahealthydivorce.com/gratitude-and-simple-things-that-matter/): The neuroscience of gratitude.  There have been a number of studies done to determine the benefits of taking the time to be grateful and the importance of sharing the gratitude we feel towards one another.  These studies have shown that gratitude stimulates optimism, connectedness, trust, self worth, brain functioning, innovation and increased productivity.  These studies have measured brain activity to verify these benefits but even without the findings of these studies it stands to reason that these are the natural outcomes.  I know that when I take the time to think about what I am grateful for it makes me feel good, puts me more in tune with myself, and makes me more optimistic.  When someone else shares their gratitude with me it makes me feel more connected, appreciated, and certainly gives me a boost in productivity and self esteem.   With all these benefits why wouldn’t we schedule regular time to feel and show gratitude.  It’s good for our brains.
- [The things we control, the things we don’t, and Divorce.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/the-things-we-control-the-things-we-dont-and-divorce/): I spent last night in the Portland airport.  I was just finishing up a nice little vacation and it was a late flight to maximize the last day of the trip.  After a couple of nominal delay notifications from the airline, we boarded the plane 45 minutes or so late and it felt like we were going to finally make it out.  After a much longer stay on the plane, they had us get back off and a short while later announced the flight was canceled.  It was late and by the time the flight was canceled there were no other flights leaving until the morning.   Throughout the process people became upset with the level of communication and about the predicament we all found ourselves in.  In this week’s blog I focus on the things that we can control, the things we can’t control, and finding ways to turn things we can’t control into things that we can.
- [Positivity, Appreciation and Divorce.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/positivity-appreciation-and-divorce/): Envisioning what comes next.  It is easy to become mired in our troubles.  We didn’t want this.  We didn’t deserve this.  This is not fair.  It is normal to not want to accept what has taken place.  All of these feelings naturally get in the way of ultimately getting to that place of acceptance which will finally allow us to begin thinking about what comes next.  A great tool for getting past being stuck is envisioning where we want to go next.  I have previously written about how as life changes we need to revisit our goals and aspirations: Here.  We must venture to think about what we need to find new happiness.  Envision it and chart your new course in its direction.  Henry Ford said “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.  The plan is to learn from our experiences, and part of that is gathering from those experiences insight on where we should be heading next.  When our past is bringing us down, finding positivity in our envisioned future helps to pull us out of the rut.
- [Maintaining Control and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/maintaining-control-and-divorce/): There are many different emotions that we experience heading into a divorce.  A couple of big ones are the sense of losing control and the fear of the unknown and unexpected.  We are afraid of being unfairly treated and taken advantage of.  We have never done this before and have maybe heard horror stories that are the basis to our fears about the possibility of things going very badly.  In this week’s blog we explore this common sense of feeling out of control at the start of a divorce and strategies for overcoming it.  These strategies include diving into getting educated, working to collaborate and communicate with your spouse, tackling the situation through mediation and avoiding involving the Court in the decision making process.  
- [Fault and Divorce.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/fault-and-divorce/): The issue of “no fault” divorce has become a recent topic of interest on the national stage.  There has been talk of certain conservative states walking back their “no-fault” divorce policies and reinstituting a requirement for a spouse seeking a divorce to show that the other spouse is guilty of inappropriate behavior warranting a divorce in order to be granted one.  Last year I wrote about the challenges that arise from blame and the desire for vindication that fuel the fire of contentious divorces.  See here.  In this week’s blog I explain the difference between “fault” and “no-fault” divorce, explore a little about why this issue is arising, and I then will explain why moving away from “no-fault” really is a terrible idea.
- [What About a Postnup Instead of a Divorce?](https://ahealthydivorce.com/what-about-a-postnup-instead-of-a-divorce/): Usually by the time couples have come to see me at least one has already firmly decided they want a divorce.  Every once in a while I will hear things from one or both spouses that give reason to pause, and explore if there are other options available to avoid a divorce.  In some situations a big challenge in marriage is a difference of philosophies regarding the finances, investing and spending.  Finding a way to navigate these differences may result in solving these differences so that the marriage can continue.  In this week’s blog we explore the option of a post-marital agreement, or postnup to help couples navigate their financial disagreements to allow for the marriage to continue.  I will briefly explain what pre-marital and postmarital agreements are, the legal differences that make postnups so challenging, and some considerations as you explore the possibility of addressing financial challenges in your marriage by way of a postnup.   
- [Why Not Guideline Spousal Support?](https://ahealthydivorce.com/why-not-guideline-spousal-support/): I have written blogs in the past about how the Court addresses the issues of child support and spousal support.  For the issue of child support in California, we have an algebraic formula set forth in Family Code section 4055.  The Court is largely mandated to order guideline child support consistent with the formula which now is calculated via a program called “Dissomaster”.  With spousal support, there are two separate approaches in determining the appropriate amount of spousal support depending on if it is for temporary support or for permanent support.  For temporary support the Court will typically order “guideline” spousal support to address interim spousal support early in the divorce.  For “permanent” support the Court is not allowed to use the guideline calculation to set permanent support.  This week we explore why we might want to reconsider and establish “guideline” permanent spousal support, the rationale for not having guideline spousal support,and a little look at a couple of approaches to settle the issue of permanent spousal support given the current state of the law.
- [Remembering our Younger Selves and Divorce.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/remembering-our-younger-selves-and-divorce/): Where Does Our Younger Self Go?  A lot has happened since I was 17.  From my perspective, our present selves are comprised of bits and pieces of who we were in the beginning, sculpted and molded by our experiences into what we feel we are today.  I have spent much of my life wondering when I might finally grow up because I have always carried a big part of that wide eyed and fancy free kid along with me down the path of life even into the present.  I have placed that running photograph in a prominent place to remind me regularly about that person I once was.  I was the eternal optimist.  I had a ready and constant smile on my face.  I had yet to experience any significant loss in my life.  I felt like I could accomplish anything and be anything.  I was blissfully naive to the challenges that were to come along the way that burden us with sadness, worries, stresses and leave us regretting events of the past or dreading things awaiting us in our future.
- [Hurry up, it’s June and Divorce.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/hurry-up-its-june-and-divorce/): No, I am not trying to hurry anyone into getting divorced.  This is a big decision and any couple considering divorce should first explore the various options available to avoid it altogether.  We are just now entering mid-June and couples who are ready to move forward with their divorce have a fleeting opportunity to get their divorce completed by the end of the year.  That opportunity is here in June but will be gone come July.  In this week’s blog we will cover what is needed to take advantage of this opportunity, how best to accomplish it, then I will speak a little bit about what will follow to get things timely done.
- [When Not to Mediate Your Divorce.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/when-not-to-mediate-your-divorce/): Ever since I took my very first divorce mediation training course back in 2003 I have tried to do my part in educating the public on what should be the standard way to get divorced.  Why wouldn’t couples first choose to attempt to sort out their divorce issues in a collaborative setting focused on getting them educated on their rights and responsibilities, cooperating in exchanging all relevant documents, exploring a wide range of options for settlement, and making all the decisions together without the courts stepping in?  In this week’s blog we take a little time to explore when mediation may not be the best solution.   Some of the things that might get in the way of using mediation to successfully resolve your divorce include complete lack of any semblance of trust, inability to advocate for one’s self, coercive situations, when one spouse is unwilling to engage in a collaborative process or is incapable of being reasonable and when safety is an issue.  Most divorcing couples are good candidates for mediation and don’t have these issues, but let’s explore them a bit deeper all the same.
- [Getting Your Spouse to Consider Divorce Mediation](https://ahealthydivorce.com/getting-your-spouse-to-consider-divorce-mediation/): When a couple decides they are getting a divorce, or when either spouse begins to feel like it could be an option, it is quite easy for each of them to contact their own divorce attorney and schedule a consultation to have their initial questions answered and to come up with a plan on how they might tackle their litigated divorce.  When either spouse hears about divorce mediation as an option, there are some complicating considerations that must be navigated to give the mediation option a chance for success.  A big difference between hiring an attorney, and hiring a mediator is that the selection of an attorney in a solo decision and the selection of a mediator is a joint choice requiring both spouse to be on board with the selection.  How the selection and vetting is done can be integral in assuring both spouses have trust in the neutrality of the mediator.  In this week’s blog I tackle some of the considerations that the mediator, and the divorcing couple should keep in mind as we navigate getting mediation on the table as an option to tackle the pending divorce.
- [The Dead, Transition and Divorce.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/the-dead-transition-and-divorce/): This past weekend I had the opportunity to spend three nights at the Sphere in Las Vegas, enjoying the latest rendition of the Grateful Dead, Dead & Company.  Back in the 1990’s a group of my friends and I would descend on Las Vegas each year to see a weekend worth of shows as tie dyed fans descended on the casinos and the city for a weekend of music and fun.  Back then the shows took place at the Sam Boyd Silver Bowl, an outdoor stadium with the shows taking place in the sweltering heat of the dead of the Vegas summer.  Last weekend’s reunion of sorts had the shows taking place in the Sphere, the new, air conditioned, state of the art, indoor dome venue.  If you ever have a chance to see your favorite band in the Sphere, do it.  With some 167,000 speakers and a huge wrap around video screen, the music is as crisp as can be, and the visual experience is phenomenal. 
- [Involving Children in Custody Decisions and Information Gathering](https://ahealthydivorce.com/involving-children-in-custody-decisions-and-information-gathering/): When I first started practicing Family Law another attorney shared with me about a contentious custody case that he had been involved in where the Court wanted to receive input from the teenage child to help with resolving the pending custody trial.  To elicit the child’s input, the child was scheduled to meet with a Family Court Services counselor at the courthouse who would interview the child to receive their input and preference.  On the morning of the interview the child took their life.  In this week’s blog we take a bit of time to explore this issue of involving our children in the decision making surrounding custody and visitation.  On the one hand we want to be thoughtful about the needs and wishes of our children, but on the other hand we want to avoid making them feel like they are caught in the middle or that they have to choose between possibly the two most important people in their lives.
- [A Celebration of Mothers.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/a-celebration-of-mothers/): I count myself extremely lucky that as soon as I make it through this full Friday of work that awaits me, I get to head off and spend this Mother’s Day weekend with my Mother.  As a divorce professional I have to be careful celebrating one parent over the other.  I recognize and advocate for the importance of both parents in the lives of their children.  Moms are important and Dads are important too, but this is Mother’s Day weekend, so this week’s blog is a celebration of Mothers.
- [Out of Breath, Starting Over and Divorce.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/out-of-breath-starting-over-and-divorce/): I consider myself a runner.  I ran cross country and the distance track events in high school, ran a number of 10k’s over the years with fairly competitive times and whenever I decide it is time to get myself back into shape, I dawn my shorts and lace up my running shoes and head out for a run.  As we get older, age, and perhaps gravity, seem to start making getting into shape a bit more of a challenge.  I am discovering that fact each new time I set out to start running again.  This week I decided after a long hiatus to get back to trying to get into shape once again.  I spent the week gasping for breath and wondering how I ever allowed myself to get to this place.  In this week’s blog I explore what lessons I am to learn from this latest rocky beginning and before I am done I will try to find some way to connect it all to divorce.
- [Divorce and the Impact of the Length of Marriage](https://ahealthydivorce.com/divorce-and-the-impact-of-the-length-of-marriage/): I was recently reading through a study that provided a variety of divorce related statistics.  One such statistic indicated that the average length of a marriage ending in divorce was 7.8 years for men and 7.9 years for women.  In this week’s blog we will explore some of the impacts that the length of a marriage has on the issues to be resolved in the event of divorce.  The two biggest impacts are on property division and the right to spousal support.  
- [Modifying Support after Divorce and Family Code 3664](https://ahealthydivorce.com/modifying-support-after-divorce-and-family-code-3664/): Once you have completed your divorce and a Judgment has been entered to resolve your matter, you are not usually done with everything forever.  This is especially true if you have minor children or if child and spousal support are at issue in your case.  In your divorce decree you will have addressed the child sharing, child support and spousal support issues, as well as the property division issues, and while the property division will be final, the Court will typically retain jurisdiction to modify the terms related to the sharing of the children and support.  The Court standard to be able to seek a change in the child and spousal support orders after Judgment is a requirement to show there has been a substantial change of circumstances.  Changes to our own circumstances are easy to track in that we have access to the information proving the changes to our own situation.  This week’s blog addresses how we can gather information about what is happening on the other side of the ledger with our former spouse/other parent.  We will explore Family Code Section 3664 which allows for making an annual request for updated income information and provides a mechanism for obtaining the information directly from the employer if the other party fails to comply with the request.  Support orders do not typically modify automatically as circumstances change so it is important to know the tools at your disposal to assure that support continues consistent with your and your former spouse’s ever changing financial circumstances.
- [Clean Slates, Mountain Peaks and Divorce.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/clean-slates-mountain-peaks-and-divorce/): I was fortunate enough to be able to spend the last couple of weeks roaming the rolling green hills of Ireland, chasing rainbows, exploring castle ruins which seemed to pop up around each bend, and enjoying a pint or two of Guinness along the way.  Passing through the northwestern part of Ireland there lies a mountain peak called Croagh Patrick where it is said that St. Patrick once made a barefoot pilgrimage to its rocky peak then spent 40 days and 40 nights there fasting in contemplation.  It is said that upon making the pilgrimage and ascending to the peak that one is absolved of their sins and can return to their life waiting for them below with a clean slate.  This week’s blog is not about spiritual beliefs or pilgrimages.  Instead, it is about the simple truth that we never have to remain mired in whatever negative things have happened in our past.   We don’t have to climb a distant mountain peak in a foreign country to have the ability to wake up in the morning with a new perspective, a fresh start and a new lease on life.  
- [Divorce and Bankrutpcy.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/divorce-and-bankrutpcy/): For couples that are saddled with substantial debt when it comes time for divorce, it may be a good idea to explore the options available to navigate the debt in the best way possible.  One option at your disposal may be filing for Bankruptcy.  In this week’s blog we look at some of the considerations for choosing to work with a Bankruptcy attorney, some timing considerations, and some other things you might want to think about as you move forward with your divorce.
- [Divorce and Diving In.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/divorce-and-diving-in/): Divorce and Diving In.  I am not saying divorce is like diving into a swimming pool.  This blog is not about making the decision to divorce.  It is about when the divorce decision has been made and you are standing poolside dreading the shock of diving in.  Dipping your toe in or feigning stretching to delay the inevitable extends the misery and you are much better off bypassing all of that and simply jumping in.  Sure, it will be a shock but the dread of the cold water that is waiting is much worse than it is when you finally make the plunge..
- [Divorce and Proceeding by Default.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/divorce-and-proceeding-by-default/): To initiate a divorce in California, typically one spouse will file a Summons and Petition with the Court and then will take that paperwork and have it served on the other spouse.  This paperwork places the other spouse on notice that they have 30 days to have a Response prepared and filed with the Court.  So, what happens when the responding spouse fails to timely file their Response with the Court?  In this week’s blog we explore the topic of defaults and more particularly, what happens in a normal default situation when the responding spouse simply ignores the requirement to respond, what happens when the couple agrees that a response will not be filed and a little bit on steps to take when a spouse mistakenly overlooks responding.  
- [Happy St. Patty’s Day!](https://ahealthydivorce.com/happy-st-pattys-day/): Top O’ the Mornin to Ya!  With St. Patrick’s Day just around the corner, I thought I would table divorce stuff for another week and share a little bit about what the day means to me and why.   
- [Divorce and Taking a Moment to Breathe.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/divorce-and-taking-a-moment-to-breathe/): It is a Friday morning, and come noon I am going to sneak out of the office, drive up to Dana Point and catch a ferry over to Catalina Island.  If you have not been to Catalina, it is like a Mediterranean desert isle with hillsides dotted in pastel colored houses, Spanish style tile and architecture, with the landmark Casino as a backdrop. Upon arrival in this magical place, time slows down and the frets and worries of day to day life seem to fall away.   My brother is also sneaking away and we will catch up with my Mother who lives on the island.  In this week’s blog, we take a break from divorce and all the stresses that culminate in life as we go through it, and take a moment to simply breathe.
- [Divorce Reimbursement and Paying a Spouse’s Prior Support Obligations](https://ahealthydivorce.com/divorce-reimbursement-and-paying-a-spouses-prior-support/): Your situation may involve circumstances where you, or your spouse, was required to pay child or spousal support for a prior spouse or children outside of the marriage.   These obligations need to be factored into the family finances during the marriage.  So, what issues might arise related to these support payments when you later decide to divorce?  In this week’s blog we consider the potential right the community may have to be reimbursed for these payments made on behalf of the obligated spouse.  We will take a look at the statute that gives rise to the possible claim, Family Code Section 915, and will address the very specific requirements to be eligible to make such a claim for reimbursement.
- [Paying for Appraisals and other Valuations in Divorce.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/paying-for-appraisals-and-other-valuations-in-divorce/): To be in a position to understand how to fairly divide assets and obligations in a divorce, we need to know their value.  For complying with the Court’s disclosure requirements we are also required to place values on everything.  For many assets this is an easy task.  For items such as bank accounts, investment accounts, cash balance retirement accounts and credit cards, it is as simple as getting the most current statement.  Other assets such as the family home, the family business, furniture and furnishings, and pensions don’t usually have a document to confirm their value.  In this week’s blog we explore some considerations involved in the decision to pay for appraisals and valuations as we address these issues in a divorce.  These considerations include complying with disclosure, understanding how the asset will be divided, and what is required if enlisting the Court to make the decision.
- [Realtors and Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/realtors-and-divorce/): One often challenging issue in divorce is sorting out what will happen to the family residence.  I have written prior blogs about some of the options and considerations, including one spouse moving forward with a buyout, deferring the sale until the market is better or until school lets out, or until graduation, or having it sold.  In this week’s blog I am going to address some considerations involved when the couple decides to have the house sold.  More particularly I am going to focus on some considerations in selecting a Realtor to handle the sale, on the best ways to use your selected Realtor and some other considerations in making this important decision.  In preparing to write this blog I had the opportunity to meet with an experienced and fabulous Realtor, Shylia Hernandez, part of the Lewis Team with REAL Broker.
- [Using Financial Professionals to Support a Healthy Divorce](https://ahealthydivorce.com/using-financial-professionals-to-support-a-healthy-divorce/): Most people facing divorce think first and foremost to find a divorce attorney to move them through the process.  I encourage couples to also look at hiring a mediator as a first resource.  Whichever path is taken there are other professional resources to bring into the mix which may provide further expertise and guidance as you tackle the issues at hand.  In this week’s blog we explore the benefits of considering the use of a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) as either a neutral expert retained by both parties, or to provide support to one spouse or the other. I will start by explaining what a CDFA is, some issues that might warrant bringing in a CDFA,  and some other considerations when working with a CDFA to assist with your case.
- [Police Dogs, Bar Exams and Divorce Mediation](https://ahealthydivorce.com/police-dogs-bar-exams-and-divorce-mediation/): This past weekend I was cleaning up some old files and I happened across a copy of my old bar exam dated Tuesday morning, July 28, 1992.  I didn’t even realize that I had kept a copy, yet here it was over 30 years later, reminding me of my beginnings in the law.  At that time the bar exam was a 3 day affair and this particular Tuesday morning portion of the exam was a three hour block of time where we were to write three separate essays based on fact patterns and questions that were included. I opened up the exam to the first question, and there facing me so many years ago as the first of the three problems was a fact pattern involving a California Divorce.  In this week’s blog I ponder and reminisce  about how I arrived at where I am and how sometimes our paths move in directions we could have never imagined.  Sometimes we don’t actually know where we are supposed to be going until we get there.
- [Credit Card Perks and Divorce.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/credit-card-perks-and-divorce/): In a recent study it was reported that nearly half of American households use credit cards to earn perks such as cash back, points to use toward purchases, and travel miles.  Credit card companies entice users to run up debt so that substantial interest can be earned on balances owing.  I have previously written about how credit card and other debt is divided in divorce.  Today’s blog takes a little time to discuss what happens with the perks that are accumulated from the use of credit cards during marriage.  How are they treated at the time of divorce and what options are available to divide them up?
- [Divorce and the Needs of Adult Children.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/divorce-and-the-needs-of-adult-children/): For many of us parents who have adult children we recognize that our children don’t magically become fully self-sufficient when they turn 18 and graduate from high school.  When couples divorce in California the legal requirement to support them (unless they are incapacitated) ends when they emancipate which is when they turn 18 and have graduated from high school, or 19 if they have not graduated prior to reaching the age of 19.  In today’s blog we will spend a little time exploring how the needs of adult children are dealt with in a divorce.  What do we do to assure the needs of adult children are met, and what about college, health insurance, and other essential living expenses that our adult children are not yet in a position to cover?  
- [Full Disclosure and Divorce.](https://ahealthydivorce.com/full-disclosure-and-divorce/): In my ongoing efforts to simplify the process of divorce, I have boiled it down into four basic steps.  First, getting educated on the law and the issues.  Second, the exchange of a thorough and complete disclosure.  Third, resolving the issues through settlement or by presenting them to a Judge for determination.  Fourth and finally, preparing all necessary paperwork to finalize things.  In this week's blog we dive a little deeper into Disclosure and answer the questions of what, when, why and how.  Taking the time to understand the rhyme and reason behind our state’s disclosure requirements is essential so that you can take the necessary steps to assure your compliance with the requirements and so that you can reap the benefits intended by the requirements.  

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